Whats the point anymore

Lately it has felt like my feelings are unimportant and that I should just get out of the way and let things be.  I feel like everything that I have gone through and everything I've worked so hard to do has been for nothing.  I'm trying to figure out my next path but all I feel is heart ache and pain.

I know that all of this is my fault.  I'm still being punished for what had happened six years ago, and anytime I try to express my feelings I see that getting thrown back at me.  I crawled through hell for what I did and changed myself to be what she wanted and now it all feels for naught.  I tried to be ok with her seeing other people and having out relationship being open.  I did it for her because of how much I love her and want her to be happy.  Ever since what happened I vowed to myself that I'll sacrifice whatever it takes to be happy.  Trying to put aside the feelings I have of hurt and anger I figured that if I just deal with it for awhile things will get better.  Honestly it hasn't, it keeps getting worse and worse, It feels like I'm falling apart.  I really want her to be happy and maybe that means I don't get to be in the picture.

It feels like I'm just complicating things and I know they think I'm being childish and petty.  I just don't know how I can express to her that she is all that I want and I want to be that for her.  But when I try expressing that to her I feel like she is brushing it off.  Whatever they have together I can see it growing stronger and stronger and I don't know where that is going to leave me.  I know that they ache for each other much like we used to for each other.  After reading those stupid messages I understand that last night it was me she wanted to sleep with and I was a stop gap for those feelings.  It hurt to realize that and to understand that things will probably never go back to the way that they were.  So it leaves me with few options to choose from.  Do I just accept everything and bury how I feel about it?  Do I leave and stay with my folks for awhile to try and get my head on straight? Do I stop sleeping in the same bed as her and stew on how I'm feeling? Do I move out and try to do this on my own?

Last night I wanted to yell and fight and punch holes in the walls.  I had to fight with myself to stay calm and to not start yelling.  I pushed down and tried to dispel my anger as best as I could.  I'm so tired of the emotions this is causing to run through my system and I feel hurt, stressed, and depressed all the time now.

Increasingly I've been thinking about just ending it and letting her have the life she wants without having to deal with all of my baggage and bullshit.  I've thought of several ways to handle it and a couple to make it look like an accident so they won't know what it really was.  But when I start going down that road I think of the her and the kids and how me being gone would effect them.  I'm worried that if I just dropped off that the scarring and hurt inflicted on the kids would be something they would have to live with for the rest of their lives.

The future

After watching Caprica the other night I had an interesting thought.  What would happen if we automated processes so much that things became almost ridiculously cheap.  What if through technological advancement we were able to create many things without much human interaction.  What would humans do without the need to work?  What would happen if we were given a blank check that would give us the freedom to pursue whatever we wanted?  I would like to think that there would be a sizable chunk of people who would work toward the betterment of human kind.  I would hope that we as a race would work toward moving toward the stars and expanding the human race across them.  On the other hand I know people and there would still be a sizable chunk of people who would only want to lay about and to do destructive things.  Finally is the thought that there are people out there who would rather keep others under their control and would only use the technology to improve their hold on the rest of civilization.

Death of sex life.

The thing they never tell you about having kids and getting older is that your sex life takes a nose dive.  I honestly think this is why old men always have hobbies and other activities.  As people get older their sex lives will naturally slow down.  People have surgeries and parts of their bodies will start having issues.  I know because i had to have surgery on one ankle due to bone spurs and that laid me out for a couple of months.  To this day that ankle is still stiff and I can feel it especially on cold mornings.  That being said I can understand why some constraints can come into being over peoples sex lives.

On top of that the more children a couple has the less time and energy they can commit to their sex lives.  This is pretty easy to see since at the early ages of children lives they require a whole lot of attention and help.  As they get older they require less attention but will require a parents time for other actives.  Soccer, Football, Theater, Dance, etc.  This all take time to attend and transport the kids around.  Thus taking time away from a couple getting to spend any personal time together.

So as time goes on there is this gradual decline in a couples sex life.  First it starts with a decrease in how often you get to have any type of personal time.  Then there is a decrease in the type of sex acts that are performed when you do have time to commit a sex life.  Finally it comes to a point where there is very little variety in their sex life when there is any at all.

As a reminder to people it is important to understand that yes you will get older and if you have kids you can kiss your sex life goodbye.  The only way to can prevent this or at lease mitigate this is for both partners to understand that this will happen.  It's also important for each partner to understand what the other needs and to do what they can for that person.

black holes

So last night relaxing with my wife getting ready to fall asleep, we were watching Cosmos.  While watching they start to explain black holes and how they effect Space-time. I had this thought that I thought would be interesting.  What if black hole are actually tunnels to different parts of the universe.  What if the intense gravity from the black holes actually pulls through a type of tunnel where on the other side is all of this mass being pushed out.  That being said what if black holes are one way tunnels and in order to traverse the universe you would have to map where black holes come out.

God I am terrible at keeping up with a blog.

So apparently I completely forgot I even had this thing.  I've been thinking it was important to spend time writing and getting my thoughts onto another medium is a good way of keep ones self sane.  That being said I've been having a hard time focusing enough to actually work on something like this.  Hopefully I can use this blog the way that I've wanted, the trick will be just keeping up on it.

So first off I've been working hard on figuring out how to properly run SQL statements through a Java program.  I've been spending weeks on this and have been getting frustrated with it.  Thankfully I finally figured out how to do it last night so I've got it running mostly.  Originally I made the program to work against an oracle database but then it came up that they would need it for a SQL server.  Come to find out we need to have it work for an oracle database again so I've got to backtrack my steps to figure out how to get certain functions that I made for SQL server now have to work for Oracle.  Hopefully i'll have this all worked out by the end of this week so that I can check the code against a clients database.  If all goes according to plan then this should be ready to rock for that.

Moving on into the new year

I started Juicing for breakfast and lunch with small healthy snacks to help tide me over.  Its been rough but I think it has helped out a lot.  I have noticed that my stomach has shrank in size so now i'm eating less when I do have a meal.  In addition I have been working out in the morning so overall with the lower intake of calories and an increase in activity will help me to shed this extra weight.

Fat and nearly dead

So its finally happened, I've gained enough weight to put stretch marks on my stomach.  The largest problem being that now I have a job that has me sitting down for most of the day it is hard to get the exercise that I got in my normal day at TAC.  I'm hoping that if I can start up doing my morning workout with Anthony I should start to see result to slow this weight gain.  I'm also going to look for some Zumba videos that Shaula can do at home with out the kids interrupting the workout.  This way Shaula can get a workout in during the day and hopefully I can get an extra one in if I get home in time.  Finally my last plan is to start a ten day juice fast.  After watching "Fat, Sick, and nearly dead" I've decided that this would be an excellent way to reboot my system and help me loose weight.   Since Shaula's parents got me a juicer for Christmas this is something I really want to do. My goal for this fast is to use this blog as a journal through out my fast, hopefully this will provide a way to look back at the fast and see how it worked out.