Lately it has felt like my feelings are unimportant and that I should just get out of the way and let things be. I feel like everything that I have gone through and everything I've worked so hard to do has been for nothing. I'm trying to figure out my next path but all I feel is heart ache and pain.
I know that all of this is my fault. I'm still being punished for what had happened six years ago, and anytime I try to express my feelings I see that getting thrown back at me. I crawled through hell for what I did and changed myself to be what she wanted and now it all feels for naught. I tried to be ok with her seeing other people and having out relationship being open. I did it for her because of how much I love her and want her to be happy. Ever since what happened I vowed to myself that I'll sacrifice whatever it takes to be happy. Trying to put aside the feelings I have of hurt and anger I figured that if I just deal with it for awhile things will get better. Honestly it hasn't, it keeps getting worse and worse, It feels like I'm falling apart. I really want her to be happy and maybe that means I don't get to be in the picture.
It feels like I'm just complicating things and I know they think I'm being childish and petty. I just don't know how I can express to her that she is all that I want and I want to be that for her. But when I try expressing that to her I feel like she is brushing it off. Whatever they have together I can see it growing stronger and stronger and I don't know where that is going to leave me. I know that they ache for each other much like we used to for each other. After reading those stupid messages I understand that last night it was me she wanted to sleep with and I was a stop gap for those feelings. It hurt to realize that and to understand that things will probably never go back to the way that they were. So it leaves me with few options to choose from. Do I just accept everything and bury how I feel about it? Do I leave and stay with my folks for awhile to try and get my head on straight? Do I stop sleeping in the same bed as her and stew on how I'm feeling? Do I move out and try to do this on my own?
Last night I wanted to yell and fight and punch holes in the walls. I had to fight with myself to stay calm and to not start yelling. I pushed down and tried to dispel my anger as best as I could. I'm so tired of the emotions this is causing to run through my system and I feel hurt, stressed, and depressed all the time now.
Increasingly I've been thinking about just ending it and letting her have the life she wants without having to deal with all of my baggage and bullshit. I've thought of several ways to handle it and a couple to make it look like an accident so they won't know what it really was. But when I start going down that road I think of the her and the kids and how me being gone would effect them. I'm worried that if I just dropped off that the scarring and hurt inflicted on the kids would be something they would have to live with for the rest of their lives.
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