unwanted

No matter where I look I get the feeling that I'm not wanted.  Like others can see a part of me that is lacking and don't want to be near me.  I'm so very tired of feeling like this all of the time.  Recently I've noticed that now that my wife has her new main squeeze I've been relegated to a position resembling a warm blanket.  I feel like what she wants from me now is comfort and support.  Which I'm fine with providing but that's all she wants.  I feel like she is letting this bad girl out with him and its something I've been wanting to see again for years.  It seems like she has finally fully cut loose and could only do that with out me.  I honestly thought that she wanted to be my second half.  I thought that she wanted to be my player two.  But all it feels like it I'm her comfort zone she can fall back onto.  I haven't seen the kinkier side of her in a long time.  I feel like because I work from home and try to take care of the house that I've become something boring and uninteresting.  I really wish she would want me like that.  I wish she would get dressed up for me every now and then.  I wish she would initial sex when it didn't feel like a fucking pity lay.  I normally don't mind initiating sex but it feels like lately I've just been pawing at her while she sits there and takes it.  I feel like she is getting much more satisfied by what she is getting in her other relationship.

The Rift

Last night I could feel the rift, it was like some large tangible thing sitting between us.  I could feel it as we continued to pull away from each other.  I could feel her trying to breach it but it felt only like a token gesture.  I'm sure she dreams about him now and that I'm only an after thought.  It feels like the rift keeps growing and growing and I am helpless to stop it.  I have tried everything I can think of and none of it has helped.  Any attempt I've made to express myself has only muddled the water further and complicated the whole matter.  Every effort I put in feels like it isn't good enough and is being weighted against an entirely new metric that I don't know the rules of.  The thing that stings the most for me is I was finally letting go of all of my past crap and fully appreciating everything I had.  But as soon as I did that it feels like it all fell to shit.

I've tried everything,
I've said all I can,
I just have to wait and see,

The end.

sick

Been fighting off a cold and its kicking my ass today.  nothing like feeling like your head is in a vice and you can hardly breath.  I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm trying to pull through for the day.  On top of that I've been stupid busy with work and have been putting in some crazy hours.  I can feel the stress and pressure building up. I'm hoping after this round of testing I should be able to take a breather.

There still feels like there is a rift between the wife and I.  Not sure how I can help it without exasperating things.  I'm hoping its just my imagination and that things will just even out on there own.  The past couple of days she's been pretty distant.  I know she's stressed out from the people at her work and I can understand that.  Especially after all the time I spend working an assembly line.  I'm hoping that she can get something worked out there so she won't be so stressed out at home.  I just hope i didn't do something else to piss her off.  I really want to make things work out between us.