Feeling Meh

Woke up this morning feeling out of sync.  My daughter basically kicked me out of bed so I decided to get up early.  Last night something felt off with the wife and me.  Not sure what it was but it definitely didn't feel good.  I tried asking her what was wrong and kept getting told everything was fine.  I would talk with her how I'm feeling this morning but more than likely I would get blown off and would be made to seem like it was my fault for feeling down this morning.

It feels like I lost my best friend, the one person I felt the most comfortable talking with and sharing my deepest feelings and thought, would rather be somewhere else. With someone else.  I'm at the point now that I'm so tired of having to fight for our relationship that I'm questioning the point.  Why should I kill myself over keeping her happy?  Why does it always feel like its up to me to be the one to repair bridges?  Lately it feel like there is a rift between us, like something split us apart.  I don't get the same thrill when I look at her anymore.  I feel more resigned than anything else.  It also doesn't help that I'm not happy with the guy I thought of as my best friend.  I have to keep holding myself back from going off on him because I know it won't help anything.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that we used to share all of these beautiful dreams for the future and had so many plans.  I feel like that isn't the case anymore, it seems like we hit a fork in the road and she took a new path and I kept on the one that we where on.  I also feel like she has a whole side of herself that she doesn't let me see.  The locking of the phone, the special secure messenger between her and her "boyfriend" concretes that.  I'm not perfect and I fully accept that, I know I have done her wrong in the past.  But after all that we went through we promised to always be open with each other.  To give over any information that the other person wants.  Now I feel like I'm the only one doing that.

The other issue is that I don't like divorce, I think it has a serious impact on the kids and can be a pain that lasts for years.  I have enough friends who have kids and got divorces that I have seen what it does first hand.  I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about it. However every time I do I see all of the problems with it and discard the idea.  I have also thought about separating for awhile but the thing that keeps me from doing that, is how will I handle the kids, and how will things turn out in the end?  Would the separation help the marriage or put the last coffin nails into it?

the right path

Recently I've been spending a lot of time contemplating if I'm on the right path.  I'm honestly not sure if I'm going in the right direction or even what the right direction should be.  It gets pretty frustrating when you're trying to be the best that you can be but have no idea what that even means for you.  I really wish I had some type of plan that I could follow but at this point most plans that I've made have fallen apart or changed so much they look nothing like I originally intended.  I really need to focus my attention and energies better so that I can actually get some results rather than the flailing about that I've been doing.

So I need to limit my hobbies down to one major one and a max of 3 minor ones.  In my mind this will eliminate a lot of the clutter and debris that I've accumulated over the years.  First it will clear up the house which will make me feel a whole lot better.  Second it will free up money that has been used on things that I don't really need and will allow me to move further in the hobbies I want to do.

I'll need to meditate on what I should do for the future, hopefully I can find some clarity that will point me in the right direction.  I'll need to figure out what else I can do to help focus my attention and efforts so that before I die I actually achieve some things worth while.

Over

I've been trying so hard to be the only person that she needs and finally revealed to her that.  I finally told her that I wanted to be her one and only.  That all the work I've been putting in and all the trying I have been doing has been for that.  I've been trying to learn all of his tricks so that I can satisfy her.  I've been trying to change to make it so she wouldn't want to be with someone else.  I told her that for the last ten years I've done everything I can to change myself to be the perfect husband for her.  I've been holding it in for all of this time and it finally just spilled out of me.  I wept on her and tried to explain to her what I've been trying to say all of this time.  That all I want is her and I want us to be each others one and only.

But I know that it doesn't matter,  I know that she loves him and that she can't see living without him. I know that she wants special moments with him and to put the time and effort in to make their relationship work.  I honestly feel like I've lost.  That no matter how hard I try to be perfect for her, to make her as happy as I can, to be a stable rock for her, It isn't enough.  I feel like the only person I can blame is myself.  That everything I have done has either not been enough or it hasn't worked out like I had hoped.  Now I just feel defeated, I feel resigned to what I have to endure to keep her happy.  So I'm going to have to give up.  I've got to let go of keeping her and just let her fly free.  Maybe I was never the right fit for her and should have seen this coming years ago.

I blame myself for what I did those years ago with his wife and I feel like since then it is always something they can throw into my face. She keeps telling me that no one cares about it anymore but I can see it being used as an argument against me time and time again.  I've tried a number of different things to get more comfortable with all of this and it just doesn't seem to work.  I feel like I've dug myself a deeper and deeper hole and there is no way out of it.  I keep fucking up with this relationship and I have no idea how to fix it.  I honestly just want a break, I want to go away for awhile and get away from all of this bullshit.  I really just want to figure out who I am and what I need.  But the fact of reality is that I will never get that.  I've got to keep my nose to the grind stone in order to keep up with work, family, and the house.  I'm just so tired and so defeated...

Second place

The largest feeling I've been wrestling with during this whole process is the feeling that I'm only second place.  I feel like since she can get what she wants from someone else that it takes away from what we where before it all started.  I honestly want nothing more than to go back to the way things were before she decided to have a second lover.  I miss knowing that we would crave each other and that we would only get our release from that person.  Now there are two other people in the mix and it complicates everything.  I miss the simpler times, and I hate the way all of this makes me feel.

I slept with his wife and I thought that would help things but it feels like it has only complicated everything.  I really wish he would spend more time working on his wife and their relationship instead of continuing to dip into my pond.  Unfortunately I don't think that is going to happen since they appear to be hooked on each other.

I feel like I learned a new trick watching them together but when I do it to her it feels hollow.  If feels like she is thinking about him when its happening.  I'm trying really hard to be all that she needs but that just isn't the case.  I'm so tired of killing myself to make her happy only to see myself coming up short over and over again.  It makes me feel like its hopeless and I should just give up on it.  I should move on and do something else that might be better worth my time.