Woke up this morning feeling out of sync. My daughter basically kicked me out of bed so I decided to get up early. Last night something felt off with the wife and me. Not sure what it was but it definitely didn't feel good. I tried asking her what was wrong and kept getting told everything was fine. I would talk with her how I'm feeling this morning but more than likely I would get blown off and would be made to seem like it was my fault for feeling down this morning.
It feels like I lost my best friend, the one person I felt the most comfortable talking with and sharing my deepest feelings and thought, would rather be somewhere else. With someone else. I'm at the point now that I'm so tired of having to fight for our relationship that I'm questioning the point. Why should I kill myself over keeping her happy? Why does it always feel like its up to me to be the one to repair bridges? Lately it feel like there is a rift between us, like something split us apart. I don't get the same thrill when I look at her anymore. I feel more resigned than anything else. It also doesn't help that I'm not happy with the guy I thought of as my best friend. I have to keep holding myself back from going off on him because I know it won't help anything.
I think the thing that gets me the most is that we used to share all of these beautiful dreams for the future and had so many plans. I feel like that isn't the case anymore, it seems like we hit a fork in the road and she took a new path and I kept on the one that we where on. I also feel like she has a whole side of herself that she doesn't let me see. The locking of the phone, the special secure messenger between her and her "boyfriend" concretes that. I'm not perfect and I fully accept that, I know I have done her wrong in the past. But after all that we went through we promised to always be open with each other. To give over any information that the other person wants. Now I feel like I'm the only one doing that.
The other issue is that I don't like divorce, I think it has a serious impact on the kids and can be a pain that lasts for years. I have enough friends who have kids and got divorces that I have seen what it does first hand. I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about it. However every time I do I see all of the problems with it and discard the idea. I have also thought about separating for awhile but the thing that keeps me from doing that, is how will I handle the kids, and how will things turn out in the end? Would the separation help the marriage or put the last coffin nails into it?
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