Over

I've been trying so hard to be the only person that she needs and finally revealed to her that.  I finally told her that I wanted to be her one and only.  That all the work I've been putting in and all the trying I have been doing has been for that.  I've been trying to learn all of his tricks so that I can satisfy her.  I've been trying to change to make it so she wouldn't want to be with someone else.  I told her that for the last ten years I've done everything I can to change myself to be the perfect husband for her.  I've been holding it in for all of this time and it finally just spilled out of me.  I wept on her and tried to explain to her what I've been trying to say all of this time.  That all I want is her and I want us to be each others one and only.

But I know that it doesn't matter,  I know that she loves him and that she can't see living without him. I know that she wants special moments with him and to put the time and effort in to make their relationship work.  I honestly feel like I've lost.  That no matter how hard I try to be perfect for her, to make her as happy as I can, to be a stable rock for her, It isn't enough.  I feel like the only person I can blame is myself.  That everything I have done has either not been enough or it hasn't worked out like I had hoped.  Now I just feel defeated, I feel resigned to what I have to endure to keep her happy.  So I'm going to have to give up.  I've got to let go of keeping her and just let her fly free.  Maybe I was never the right fit for her and should have seen this coming years ago.

I blame myself for what I did those years ago with his wife and I feel like since then it is always something they can throw into my face. She keeps telling me that no one cares about it anymore but I can see it being used as an argument against me time and time again.  I've tried a number of different things to get more comfortable with all of this and it just doesn't seem to work.  I feel like I've dug myself a deeper and deeper hole and there is no way out of it.  I keep fucking up with this relationship and I have no idea how to fix it.  I honestly just want a break, I want to go away for awhile and get away from all of this bullshit.  I really just want to figure out who I am and what I need.  But the fact of reality is that I will never get that.  I've got to keep my nose to the grind stone in order to keep up with work, family, and the house.  I'm just so tired and so defeated...