You have to have a plan...

Lately it seems like I'm always stuck in my head.  I always feel like I'm running circles around in my head.  I feel like I've lost my way and that every attempt I make to get back on it is full of mistakes.  It seems like every course correction I make I end up getting further from the path that I had planned on.  My father always told me that; "You've got to have a plan".  It just seems like the plan that I've had no longer applies to what my life has become.  The only way that I can move forward is to come up with a new plan.  The trick is what that plan should be.

unwanted

No matter where I look I get the feeling that I'm not wanted.  Like others can see a part of me that is lacking and don't want to be near me.  I'm so very tired of feeling like this all of the time.  Recently I've noticed that now that my wife has her new main squeeze I've been relegated to a position resembling a warm blanket.  I feel like what she wants from me now is comfort and support.  Which I'm fine with providing but that's all she wants.  I feel like she is letting this bad girl out with him and its something I've been wanting to see again for years.  It seems like she has finally fully cut loose and could only do that with out me.  I honestly thought that she wanted to be my second half.  I thought that she wanted to be my player two.  But all it feels like it I'm her comfort zone she can fall back onto.  I haven't seen the kinkier side of her in a long time.  I feel like because I work from home and try to take care of the house that I've become something boring and uninteresting.  I really wish she would want me like that.  I wish she would get dressed up for me every now and then.  I wish she would initial sex when it didn't feel like a fucking pity lay.  I normally don't mind initiating sex but it feels like lately I've just been pawing at her while she sits there and takes it.  I feel like she is getting much more satisfied by what she is getting in her other relationship.

The Rift

Last night I could feel the rift, it was like some large tangible thing sitting between us.  I could feel it as we continued to pull away from each other.  I could feel her trying to breach it but it felt only like a token gesture.  I'm sure she dreams about him now and that I'm only an after thought.  It feels like the rift keeps growing and growing and I am helpless to stop it.  I have tried everything I can think of and none of it has helped.  Any attempt I've made to express myself has only muddled the water further and complicated the whole matter.  Every effort I put in feels like it isn't good enough and is being weighted against an entirely new metric that I don't know the rules of.  The thing that stings the most for me is I was finally letting go of all of my past crap and fully appreciating everything I had.  But as soon as I did that it feels like it all fell to shit.

I've tried everything,
I've said all I can,
I just have to wait and see,

The end.

sick

Been fighting off a cold and its kicking my ass today.  nothing like feeling like your head is in a vice and you can hardly breath.  I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm trying to pull through for the day.  On top of that I've been stupid busy with work and have been putting in some crazy hours.  I can feel the stress and pressure building up. I'm hoping after this round of testing I should be able to take a breather.

There still feels like there is a rift between the wife and I.  Not sure how I can help it without exasperating things.  I'm hoping its just my imagination and that things will just even out on there own.  The past couple of days she's been pretty distant.  I know she's stressed out from the people at her work and I can understand that.  Especially after all the time I spend working an assembly line.  I'm hoping that she can get something worked out there so she won't be so stressed out at home.  I just hope i didn't do something else to piss her off.  I really want to make things work out between us.

Feeling Meh

Woke up this morning feeling out of sync.  My daughter basically kicked me out of bed so I decided to get up early.  Last night something felt off with the wife and me.  Not sure what it was but it definitely didn't feel good.  I tried asking her what was wrong and kept getting told everything was fine.  I would talk with her how I'm feeling this morning but more than likely I would get blown off and would be made to seem like it was my fault for feeling down this morning.

It feels like I lost my best friend, the one person I felt the most comfortable talking with and sharing my deepest feelings and thought, would rather be somewhere else. With someone else.  I'm at the point now that I'm so tired of having to fight for our relationship that I'm questioning the point.  Why should I kill myself over keeping her happy?  Why does it always feel like its up to me to be the one to repair bridges?  Lately it feel like there is a rift between us, like something split us apart.  I don't get the same thrill when I look at her anymore.  I feel more resigned than anything else.  It also doesn't help that I'm not happy with the guy I thought of as my best friend.  I have to keep holding myself back from going off on him because I know it won't help anything.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that we used to share all of these beautiful dreams for the future and had so many plans.  I feel like that isn't the case anymore, it seems like we hit a fork in the road and she took a new path and I kept on the one that we where on.  I also feel like she has a whole side of herself that she doesn't let me see.  The locking of the phone, the special secure messenger between her and her "boyfriend" concretes that.  I'm not perfect and I fully accept that, I know I have done her wrong in the past.  But after all that we went through we promised to always be open with each other.  To give over any information that the other person wants.  Now I feel like I'm the only one doing that.

The other issue is that I don't like divorce, I think it has a serious impact on the kids and can be a pain that lasts for years.  I have enough friends who have kids and got divorces that I have seen what it does first hand.  I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about it. However every time I do I see all of the problems with it and discard the idea.  I have also thought about separating for awhile but the thing that keeps me from doing that, is how will I handle the kids, and how will things turn out in the end?  Would the separation help the marriage or put the last coffin nails into it?

the right path

Recently I've been spending a lot of time contemplating if I'm on the right path.  I'm honestly not sure if I'm going in the right direction or even what the right direction should be.  It gets pretty frustrating when you're trying to be the best that you can be but have no idea what that even means for you.  I really wish I had some type of plan that I could follow but at this point most plans that I've made have fallen apart or changed so much they look nothing like I originally intended.  I really need to focus my attention and energies better so that I can actually get some results rather than the flailing about that I've been doing.

So I need to limit my hobbies down to one major one and a max of 3 minor ones.  In my mind this will eliminate a lot of the clutter and debris that I've accumulated over the years.  First it will clear up the house which will make me feel a whole lot better.  Second it will free up money that has been used on things that I don't really need and will allow me to move further in the hobbies I want to do.

I'll need to meditate on what I should do for the future, hopefully I can find some clarity that will point me in the right direction.  I'll need to figure out what else I can do to help focus my attention and efforts so that before I die I actually achieve some things worth while.

Over

I've been trying so hard to be the only person that she needs and finally revealed to her that.  I finally told her that I wanted to be her one and only.  That all the work I've been putting in and all the trying I have been doing has been for that.  I've been trying to learn all of his tricks so that I can satisfy her.  I've been trying to change to make it so she wouldn't want to be with someone else.  I told her that for the last ten years I've done everything I can to change myself to be the perfect husband for her.  I've been holding it in for all of this time and it finally just spilled out of me.  I wept on her and tried to explain to her what I've been trying to say all of this time.  That all I want is her and I want us to be each others one and only.

But I know that it doesn't matter,  I know that she loves him and that she can't see living without him. I know that she wants special moments with him and to put the time and effort in to make their relationship work.  I honestly feel like I've lost.  That no matter how hard I try to be perfect for her, to make her as happy as I can, to be a stable rock for her, It isn't enough.  I feel like the only person I can blame is myself.  That everything I have done has either not been enough or it hasn't worked out like I had hoped.  Now I just feel defeated, I feel resigned to what I have to endure to keep her happy.  So I'm going to have to give up.  I've got to let go of keeping her and just let her fly free.  Maybe I was never the right fit for her and should have seen this coming years ago.

I blame myself for what I did those years ago with his wife and I feel like since then it is always something they can throw into my face. She keeps telling me that no one cares about it anymore but I can see it being used as an argument against me time and time again.  I've tried a number of different things to get more comfortable with all of this and it just doesn't seem to work.  I feel like I've dug myself a deeper and deeper hole and there is no way out of it.  I keep fucking up with this relationship and I have no idea how to fix it.  I honestly just want a break, I want to go away for awhile and get away from all of this bullshit.  I really just want to figure out who I am and what I need.  But the fact of reality is that I will never get that.  I've got to keep my nose to the grind stone in order to keep up with work, family, and the house.  I'm just so tired and so defeated...