Anger

There are times I get so god Damn angry with both of them.  I want to scream in her face, "how the fuck could you do this to me! Why the fuck are you fooling around with him! Does our marriage mean so god Damn little to you! Fuck you! Get the fuck out!" And to him "You fucking ass hole. What the fuck are you thinking? Messing around with my god Damn wife? Did you not learn anything from our past? Or are you so sick of your wife that you had to come after mine? Every time I see the two of you together it fucking kills me.  You inconsiderate, selfish mother fucker." At both of them "And how fucking dare you for getting mad at me for having a problem with it. Sorry that because shaula and mindas want to do something it is suddenly ok now. And I've just got to get over your self. Sorry that none of us give a shit over what you had to go through to salvage your marriage. However when she gets tired of me she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Fuck both of you."

But nope I don't do that, because of the fucking kids.  All I think about how is what would happen to them if I left her, or she left me. The thought of losing her is the worst, even though I can feel it slipping I can't let go.

Invisible

I feel invisible everytime we're together and she would rather text with him. It's stupid but it's the truth. I feel like there is a growing gap between us, and the further along we get in this mess the larger it gets. I wish there were easy answers and simple fixes but I just don't think there are.  I really wish I knew what I have done wrong to push her to this point. Was I not showing her enough attention? Have I been to distant? What is it that I've done that would make her think this was a good idea? On top of that what is it about him and not my other friends that drew her to him? Did I cause all of this to happen because I let them study runes together? I feel like ive fucked up my marriage and there is nothing to do except to see how this ride turns out. . .

Hollow all the time

Lately it feels like I'm hollow all of the time.  My heart hurts and my stomach is in knots almost constantly.  Unfortunately I have no one I can talk to about my situation who isn't a part of it.  No one else has any idea of what I'm going through and I'm pretty sure if they did they would advise me to move out.  I don't know why I keep finding myself in these shitty situations.  I guess its because I have terrible judgement and can't seem to make the right choices.

I'm so god damn tired of all of this stress and bullshit.  I'm tired of feeling stressed out from work.  I'm sick of feeling stressed out at home too.  I really need a vacation where I can disappear for a week without anyone around me.  But due to the nature of things that will never happen.  Every time I try to do something alone or away from home I get a guilt trip from my wife. Who funny enough wants to spend most of her free time with her new boyfriend.  Gotta love the double standards.  I even tried to broach the subject of me getting a girlfriend and she treated it like I was betraying her by bringing it up.  So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

This whole thing just reeks of selfishness and if I point that out then I'm the bad guy.  I get my past mistakes thrown into my face and essential told that I have no right to bitch.  Gods I just wish my wife thought I was enough and didn't need to fall in love with someone else.  I had always hoped after we had gotten over all our bullshit that we could settle in and just be a happy old married couple. I never thought that I would have to share her with someone else.  But I guess dreams are just a joke and reality is much colder.

Is anyone even listening

I love it how when this whole damn thing started that I was told that if I'm not comfortable with things to tell everyone and they would back off.  I was told that its a balanced plate and if one side isn't working then the whole thing can fall.  That if one person isn't comfortable or happy then the whole thing will fail.

So when I tell them that hey I'm not comfortable with this whole open relationship thing I get all sorts of blow back.  I try to express my feeling and how I'm perceiving things and it only makes the whole thing worse.  So what it tells me is since I was trying to be ok with everything before I just have to suck it up and deal with it because nothing is going to change now.  Instead of understanding of my feelings and opinions I get a "Just get over yourself and stop being so grumpy".  Like its my fault for having these feelings and thoughts.  It feels like no matter what I say or do they are going to do whatever the fuck they want and I just have to deal with it.  She keeps telling me that she isn't going anywhere but doesn't understand that it feels like I'm dying from all of this.

I really feel like this is the Kitty and Wolf gets what they want show and everyone else just has to deal with it.  I've dumped so much into these relationships it feels like its a god damn joke.  I was the only one to keep any type of cohesion between the two families and when things start to get back to a normal steady pace, BOOM.  Now they are being all junior high school love affair and I'm over here trying to deal with all of the emotional crap that them doing that brings.  It really feels like I'm being punished for trying to keep everyone friendly with each other.  Lately I've been questioning why I even did it in the first place.  Why didn't I just let those relationships fade away and we could have moved on to something different.  Instead I dealt the the bullshit and crap for all that time and what is my reward? My wife is all googly eyed for someone I had considered my best friend.

What if the only way out of this is to just leave?  What if the only way I can get out is divorce? What will happen to the kids?  What will I do with myself?

Whats the point anymore

Lately it has felt like my feelings are unimportant and that I should just get out of the way and let things be.  I feel like everything that I have gone through and everything I've worked so hard to do has been for nothing.  I'm trying to figure out my next path but all I feel is heart ache and pain.

I know that all of this is my fault.  I'm still being punished for what had happened six years ago, and anytime I try to express my feelings I see that getting thrown back at me.  I crawled through hell for what I did and changed myself to be what she wanted and now it all feels for naught.  I tried to be ok with her seeing other people and having out relationship being open.  I did it for her because of how much I love her and want her to be happy.  Ever since what happened I vowed to myself that I'll sacrifice whatever it takes to be happy.  Trying to put aside the feelings I have of hurt and anger I figured that if I just deal with it for awhile things will get better.  Honestly it hasn't, it keeps getting worse and worse, It feels like I'm falling apart.  I really want her to be happy and maybe that means I don't get to be in the picture.

It feels like I'm just complicating things and I know they think I'm being childish and petty.  I just don't know how I can express to her that she is all that I want and I want to be that for her.  But when I try expressing that to her I feel like she is brushing it off.  Whatever they have together I can see it growing stronger and stronger and I don't know where that is going to leave me.  I know that they ache for each other much like we used to for each other.  After reading those stupid messages I understand that last night it was me she wanted to sleep with and I was a stop gap for those feelings.  It hurt to realize that and to understand that things will probably never go back to the way that they were.  So it leaves me with few options to choose from.  Do I just accept everything and bury how I feel about it?  Do I leave and stay with my folks for awhile to try and get my head on straight? Do I stop sleeping in the same bed as her and stew on how I'm feeling? Do I move out and try to do this on my own?

Last night I wanted to yell and fight and punch holes in the walls.  I had to fight with myself to stay calm and to not start yelling.  I pushed down and tried to dispel my anger as best as I could.  I'm so tired of the emotions this is causing to run through my system and I feel hurt, stressed, and depressed all the time now.

Increasingly I've been thinking about just ending it and letting her have the life she wants without having to deal with all of my baggage and bullshit.  I've thought of several ways to handle it and a couple to make it look like an accident so they won't know what it really was.  But when I start going down that road I think of the her and the kids and how me being gone would effect them.  I'm worried that if I just dropped off that the scarring and hurt inflicted on the kids would be something they would have to live with for the rest of their lives.

The future

After watching Caprica the other night I had an interesting thought.  What would happen if we automated processes so much that things became almost ridiculously cheap.  What if through technological advancement we were able to create many things without much human interaction.  What would humans do without the need to work?  What would happen if we were given a blank check that would give us the freedom to pursue whatever we wanted?  I would like to think that there would be a sizable chunk of people who would work toward the betterment of human kind.  I would hope that we as a race would work toward moving toward the stars and expanding the human race across them.  On the other hand I know people and there would still be a sizable chunk of people who would only want to lay about and to do destructive things.  Finally is the thought that there are people out there who would rather keep others under their control and would only use the technology to improve their hold on the rest of civilization.

Death of sex life.

The thing they never tell you about having kids and getting older is that your sex life takes a nose dive.  I honestly think this is why old men always have hobbies and other activities.  As people get older their sex lives will naturally slow down.  People have surgeries and parts of their bodies will start having issues.  I know because i had to have surgery on one ankle due to bone spurs and that laid me out for a couple of months.  To this day that ankle is still stiff and I can feel it especially on cold mornings.  That being said I can understand why some constraints can come into being over peoples sex lives.

On top of that the more children a couple has the less time and energy they can commit to their sex lives.  This is pretty easy to see since at the early ages of children lives they require a whole lot of attention and help.  As they get older they require less attention but will require a parents time for other actives.  Soccer, Football, Theater, Dance, etc.  This all take time to attend and transport the kids around.  Thus taking time away from a couple getting to spend any personal time together.

So as time goes on there is this gradual decline in a couples sex life.  First it starts with a decrease in how often you get to have any type of personal time.  Then there is a decrease in the type of sex acts that are performed when you do have time to commit a sex life.  Finally it comes to a point where there is very little variety in their sex life when there is any at all.

As a reminder to people it is important to understand that yes you will get older and if you have kids you can kiss your sex life goodbye.  The only way to can prevent this or at lease mitigate this is for both partners to understand that this will happen.  It's also important for each partner to understand what the other needs and to do what they can for that person.