Over

I've been trying so hard to be the only person that she needs and finally revealed to her that.  I finally told her that I wanted to be her one and only.  That all the work I've been putting in and all the trying I have been doing has been for that.  I've been trying to learn all of his tricks so that I can satisfy her.  I've been trying to change to make it so she wouldn't want to be with someone else.  I told her that for the last ten years I've done everything I can to change myself to be the perfect husband for her.  I've been holding it in for all of this time and it finally just spilled out of me.  I wept on her and tried to explain to her what I've been trying to say all of this time.  That all I want is her and I want us to be each others one and only.

But I know that it doesn't matter,  I know that she loves him and that she can't see living without him. I know that she wants special moments with him and to put the time and effort in to make their relationship work.  I honestly feel like I've lost.  That no matter how hard I try to be perfect for her, to make her as happy as I can, to be a stable rock for her, It isn't enough.  I feel like the only person I can blame is myself.  That everything I have done has either not been enough or it hasn't worked out like I had hoped.  Now I just feel defeated, I feel resigned to what I have to endure to keep her happy.  So I'm going to have to give up.  I've got to let go of keeping her and just let her fly free.  Maybe I was never the right fit for her and should have seen this coming years ago.

I blame myself for what I did those years ago with his wife and I feel like since then it is always something they can throw into my face. She keeps telling me that no one cares about it anymore but I can see it being used as an argument against me time and time again.  I've tried a number of different things to get more comfortable with all of this and it just doesn't seem to work.  I feel like I've dug myself a deeper and deeper hole and there is no way out of it.  I keep fucking up with this relationship and I have no idea how to fix it.  I honestly just want a break, I want to go away for awhile and get away from all of this bullshit.  I really just want to figure out who I am and what I need.  But the fact of reality is that I will never get that.  I've got to keep my nose to the grind stone in order to keep up with work, family, and the house.  I'm just so tired and so defeated...

Second place

The largest feeling I've been wrestling with during this whole process is the feeling that I'm only second place.  I feel like since she can get what she wants from someone else that it takes away from what we where before it all started.  I honestly want nothing more than to go back to the way things were before she decided to have a second lover.  I miss knowing that we would crave each other and that we would only get our release from that person.  Now there are two other people in the mix and it complicates everything.  I miss the simpler times, and I hate the way all of this makes me feel.

I slept with his wife and I thought that would help things but it feels like it has only complicated everything.  I really wish he would spend more time working on his wife and their relationship instead of continuing to dip into my pond.  Unfortunately I don't think that is going to happen since they appear to be hooked on each other.

I feel like I learned a new trick watching them together but when I do it to her it feels hollow.  If feels like she is thinking about him when its happening.  I'm trying really hard to be all that she needs but that just isn't the case.  I'm so tired of killing myself to make her happy only to see myself coming up short over and over again.  It makes me feel like its hopeless and I should just give up on it.  I should move on and do something else that might be better worth my time.

By yourself.

Is an odd thing being alone. Especially when your wife if off with another man.  It inspires a multitude of emotions. I'm alone at 9 at night. Granted it's a Thursday, but hell that makes it worse.  I have a wife I've pledged myself to and she's craving this other person. I very much feel what she must have felt in the past. The anger, the resentment, the feelings of inadequacy. Sit this is same thing that each of them had felt. Wolf divorse, kit divorse,  shaula my cheating.  Fuck I'm the one who hasn't gone through their pain. Fuck I'm an ass hole.  I love them so much. Good Damn it.

Dragging

Having a rough day today, woke up feeling pretty low and tired as all get out.  My right ear is bugging me so knowing my luck its probably an ear infection.  Having a talk with the fox and I get a feeling that all of the stress from wolfs job and my emotional swings is taking a toll on their relationship.  The guy is getting it from both ends at work and it doesn't look like its going to stop any time soon.  I think what he really needs to do is to start looking for a new job.  Something that doesn't involve that shitty company.  I'm almost positive that he could find a job that pays better with less stress if he had the drive to look for it.  I'd like to have him make me a resume and see if I can tweak it for him and try and help him get a better job.  I'm sure if he had his money concerns lessened he would be less stressed out.  Plus working for a less shitty company would help as well.

Anger

There are times I get so god Damn angry with both of them.  I want to scream in her face, "how the fuck could you do this to me! Why the fuck are you fooling around with him! Does our marriage mean so god Damn little to you! Fuck you! Get the fuck out!" And to him "You fucking ass hole. What the fuck are you thinking? Messing around with my god Damn wife? Did you not learn anything from our past? Or are you so sick of your wife that you had to come after mine? Every time I see the two of you together it fucking kills me.  You inconsiderate, selfish mother fucker." At both of them "And how fucking dare you for getting mad at me for having a problem with it. Sorry that because shaula and mindas want to do something it is suddenly ok now. And I've just got to get over your self. Sorry that none of us give a shit over what you had to go through to salvage your marriage. However when she gets tired of me she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Fuck both of you."

But nope I don't do that, because of the fucking kids.  All I think about how is what would happen to them if I left her, or she left me. The thought of losing her is the worst, even though I can feel it slipping I can't let go.

Invisible

I feel invisible everytime we're together and she would rather text with him. It's stupid but it's the truth. I feel like there is a growing gap between us, and the further along we get in this mess the larger it gets. I wish there were easy answers and simple fixes but I just don't think there are.  I really wish I knew what I have done wrong to push her to this point. Was I not showing her enough attention? Have I been to distant? What is it that I've done that would make her think this was a good idea? On top of that what is it about him and not my other friends that drew her to him? Did I cause all of this to happen because I let them study runes together? I feel like ive fucked up my marriage and there is nothing to do except to see how this ride turns out. . .

Hollow all the time

Lately it feels like I'm hollow all of the time.  My heart hurts and my stomach is in knots almost constantly.  Unfortunately I have no one I can talk to about my situation who isn't a part of it.  No one else has any idea of what I'm going through and I'm pretty sure if they did they would advise me to move out.  I don't know why I keep finding myself in these shitty situations.  I guess its because I have terrible judgement and can't seem to make the right choices.

I'm so god damn tired of all of this stress and bullshit.  I'm tired of feeling stressed out from work.  I'm sick of feeling stressed out at home too.  I really need a vacation where I can disappear for a week without anyone around me.  But due to the nature of things that will never happen.  Every time I try to do something alone or away from home I get a guilt trip from my wife. Who funny enough wants to spend most of her free time with her new boyfriend.  Gotta love the double standards.  I even tried to broach the subject of me getting a girlfriend and she treated it like I was betraying her by bringing it up.  So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

This whole thing just reeks of selfishness and if I point that out then I'm the bad guy.  I get my past mistakes thrown into my face and essential told that I have no right to bitch.  Gods I just wish my wife thought I was enough and didn't need to fall in love with someone else.  I had always hoped after we had gotten over all our bullshit that we could settle in and just be a happy old married couple. I never thought that I would have to share her with someone else.  But I guess dreams are just a joke and reality is much colder.