You have to have a plan...

Lately it seems like I'm always stuck in my head.  I always feel like I'm running circles around in my head.  I feel like I've lost my way and that every attempt I make to get back on it is full of mistakes.  It seems like every course correction I make I end up getting further from the path that I had planned on.  My father always told me that; "You've got to have a plan".  It just seems like the plan that I've had no longer applies to what my life has become.  The only way that I can move forward is to come up with a new plan.  The trick is what that plan should be.

unwanted

No matter where I look I get the feeling that I'm not wanted.  Like others can see a part of me that is lacking and don't want to be near me.  I'm so very tired of feeling like this all of the time.  Recently I've noticed that now that my wife has her new main squeeze I've been relegated to a position resembling a warm blanket.  I feel like what she wants from me now is comfort and support.  Which I'm fine with providing but that's all she wants.  I feel like she is letting this bad girl out with him and its something I've been wanting to see again for years.  It seems like she has finally fully cut loose and could only do that with out me.  I honestly thought that she wanted to be my second half.  I thought that she wanted to be my player two.  But all it feels like it I'm her comfort zone she can fall back onto.  I haven't seen the kinkier side of her in a long time.  I feel like because I work from home and try to take care of the house that I've become something boring and uninteresting.  I really wish she would want me like that.  I wish she would get dressed up for me every now and then.  I wish she would initial sex when it didn't feel like a fucking pity lay.  I normally don't mind initiating sex but it feels like lately I've just been pawing at her while she sits there and takes it.  I feel like she is getting much more satisfied by what she is getting in her other relationship.

The Rift

Last night I could feel the rift, it was like some large tangible thing sitting between us.  I could feel it as we continued to pull away from each other.  I could feel her trying to breach it but it felt only like a token gesture.  I'm sure she dreams about him now and that I'm only an after thought.  It feels like the rift keeps growing and growing and I am helpless to stop it.  I have tried everything I can think of and none of it has helped.  Any attempt I've made to express myself has only muddled the water further and complicated the whole matter.  Every effort I put in feels like it isn't good enough and is being weighted against an entirely new metric that I don't know the rules of.  The thing that stings the most for me is I was finally letting go of all of my past crap and fully appreciating everything I had.  But as soon as I did that it feels like it all fell to shit.

I've tried everything,
I've said all I can,
I just have to wait and see,

The end.

sick

Been fighting off a cold and its kicking my ass today.  nothing like feeling like your head is in a vice and you can hardly breath.  I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm trying to pull through for the day.  On top of that I've been stupid busy with work and have been putting in some crazy hours.  I can feel the stress and pressure building up. I'm hoping after this round of testing I should be able to take a breather.

There still feels like there is a rift between the wife and I.  Not sure how I can help it without exasperating things.  I'm hoping its just my imagination and that things will just even out on there own.  The past couple of days she's been pretty distant.  I know she's stressed out from the people at her work and I can understand that.  Especially after all the time I spend working an assembly line.  I'm hoping that she can get something worked out there so she won't be so stressed out at home.  I just hope i didn't do something else to piss her off.  I really want to make things work out between us.

Feeling Meh

Woke up this morning feeling out of sync.  My daughter basically kicked me out of bed so I decided to get up early.  Last night something felt off with the wife and me.  Not sure what it was but it definitely didn't feel good.  I tried asking her what was wrong and kept getting told everything was fine.  I would talk with her how I'm feeling this morning but more than likely I would get blown off and would be made to seem like it was my fault for feeling down this morning.

It feels like I lost my best friend, the one person I felt the most comfortable talking with and sharing my deepest feelings and thought, would rather be somewhere else. With someone else.  I'm at the point now that I'm so tired of having to fight for our relationship that I'm questioning the point.  Why should I kill myself over keeping her happy?  Why does it always feel like its up to me to be the one to repair bridges?  Lately it feel like there is a rift between us, like something split us apart.  I don't get the same thrill when I look at her anymore.  I feel more resigned than anything else.  It also doesn't help that I'm not happy with the guy I thought of as my best friend.  I have to keep holding myself back from going off on him because I know it won't help anything.

I think the thing that gets me the most is that we used to share all of these beautiful dreams for the future and had so many plans.  I feel like that isn't the case anymore, it seems like we hit a fork in the road and she took a new path and I kept on the one that we where on.  I also feel like she has a whole side of herself that she doesn't let me see.  The locking of the phone, the special secure messenger between her and her "boyfriend" concretes that.  I'm not perfect and I fully accept that, I know I have done her wrong in the past.  But after all that we went through we promised to always be open with each other.  To give over any information that the other person wants.  Now I feel like I'm the only one doing that.

The other issue is that I don't like divorce, I think it has a serious impact on the kids and can be a pain that lasts for years.  I have enough friends who have kids and got divorces that I have seen what it does first hand.  I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about it. However every time I do I see all of the problems with it and discard the idea.  I have also thought about separating for awhile but the thing that keeps me from doing that, is how will I handle the kids, and how will things turn out in the end?  Would the separation help the marriage or put the last coffin nails into it?

the right path

Recently I've been spending a lot of time contemplating if I'm on the right path.  I'm honestly not sure if I'm going in the right direction or even what the right direction should be.  It gets pretty frustrating when you're trying to be the best that you can be but have no idea what that even means for you.  I really wish I had some type of plan that I could follow but at this point most plans that I've made have fallen apart or changed so much they look nothing like I originally intended.  I really need to focus my attention and energies better so that I can actually get some results rather than the flailing about that I've been doing.

So I need to limit my hobbies down to one major one and a max of 3 minor ones.  In my mind this will eliminate a lot of the clutter and debris that I've accumulated over the years.  First it will clear up the house which will make me feel a whole lot better.  Second it will free up money that has been used on things that I don't really need and will allow me to move further in the hobbies I want to do.

I'll need to meditate on what I should do for the future, hopefully I can find some clarity that will point me in the right direction.  I'll need to figure out what else I can do to help focus my attention and efforts so that before I die I actually achieve some things worth while.

Over

I've been trying so hard to be the only person that she needs and finally revealed to her that.  I finally told her that I wanted to be her one and only.  That all the work I've been putting in and all the trying I have been doing has been for that.  I've been trying to learn all of his tricks so that I can satisfy her.  I've been trying to change to make it so she wouldn't want to be with someone else.  I told her that for the last ten years I've done everything I can to change myself to be the perfect husband for her.  I've been holding it in for all of this time and it finally just spilled out of me.  I wept on her and tried to explain to her what I've been trying to say all of this time.  That all I want is her and I want us to be each others one and only.

But I know that it doesn't matter,  I know that she loves him and that she can't see living without him. I know that she wants special moments with him and to put the time and effort in to make their relationship work.  I honestly feel like I've lost.  That no matter how hard I try to be perfect for her, to make her as happy as I can, to be a stable rock for her, It isn't enough.  I feel like the only person I can blame is myself.  That everything I have done has either not been enough or it hasn't worked out like I had hoped.  Now I just feel defeated, I feel resigned to what I have to endure to keep her happy.  So I'm going to have to give up.  I've got to let go of keeping her and just let her fly free.  Maybe I was never the right fit for her and should have seen this coming years ago.

I blame myself for what I did those years ago with his wife and I feel like since then it is always something they can throw into my face. She keeps telling me that no one cares about it anymore but I can see it being used as an argument against me time and time again.  I've tried a number of different things to get more comfortable with all of this and it just doesn't seem to work.  I feel like I've dug myself a deeper and deeper hole and there is no way out of it.  I keep fucking up with this relationship and I have no idea how to fix it.  I honestly just want a break, I want to go away for awhile and get away from all of this bullshit.  I really just want to figure out who I am and what I need.  But the fact of reality is that I will never get that.  I've got to keep my nose to the grind stone in order to keep up with work, family, and the house.  I'm just so tired and so defeated...

Second place

The largest feeling I've been wrestling with during this whole process is the feeling that I'm only second place.  I feel like since she can get what she wants from someone else that it takes away from what we where before it all started.  I honestly want nothing more than to go back to the way things were before she decided to have a second lover.  I miss knowing that we would crave each other and that we would only get our release from that person.  Now there are two other people in the mix and it complicates everything.  I miss the simpler times, and I hate the way all of this makes me feel.

I slept with his wife and I thought that would help things but it feels like it has only complicated everything.  I really wish he would spend more time working on his wife and their relationship instead of continuing to dip into my pond.  Unfortunately I don't think that is going to happen since they appear to be hooked on each other.

I feel like I learned a new trick watching them together but when I do it to her it feels hollow.  If feels like she is thinking about him when its happening.  I'm trying really hard to be all that she needs but that just isn't the case.  I'm so tired of killing myself to make her happy only to see myself coming up short over and over again.  It makes me feel like its hopeless and I should just give up on it.  I should move on and do something else that might be better worth my time.

By yourself.

Is an odd thing being alone. Especially when your wife if off with another man.  It inspires a multitude of emotions. I'm alone at 9 at night. Granted it's a Thursday, but hell that makes it worse.  I have a wife I've pledged myself to and she's craving this other person. I very much feel what she must have felt in the past. The anger, the resentment, the feelings of inadequacy. Sit this is same thing that each of them had felt. Wolf divorse, kit divorse,  shaula my cheating.  Fuck I'm the one who hasn't gone through their pain. Fuck I'm an ass hole.  I love them so much. Good Damn it.

Dragging

Having a rough day today, woke up feeling pretty low and tired as all get out.  My right ear is bugging me so knowing my luck its probably an ear infection.  Having a talk with the fox and I get a feeling that all of the stress from wolfs job and my emotional swings is taking a toll on their relationship.  The guy is getting it from both ends at work and it doesn't look like its going to stop any time soon.  I think what he really needs to do is to start looking for a new job.  Something that doesn't involve that shitty company.  I'm almost positive that he could find a job that pays better with less stress if he had the drive to look for it.  I'd like to have him make me a resume and see if I can tweak it for him and try and help him get a better job.  I'm sure if he had his money concerns lessened he would be less stressed out.  Plus working for a less shitty company would help as well.

Anger

There are times I get so god Damn angry with both of them.  I want to scream in her face, "how the fuck could you do this to me! Why the fuck are you fooling around with him! Does our marriage mean so god Damn little to you! Fuck you! Get the fuck out!" And to him "You fucking ass hole. What the fuck are you thinking? Messing around with my god Damn wife? Did you not learn anything from our past? Or are you so sick of your wife that you had to come after mine? Every time I see the two of you together it fucking kills me.  You inconsiderate, selfish mother fucker." At both of them "And how fucking dare you for getting mad at me for having a problem with it. Sorry that because shaula and mindas want to do something it is suddenly ok now. And I've just got to get over your self. Sorry that none of us give a shit over what you had to go through to salvage your marriage. However when she gets tired of me she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Fuck both of you."

But nope I don't do that, because of the fucking kids.  All I think about how is what would happen to them if I left her, or she left me. The thought of losing her is the worst, even though I can feel it slipping I can't let go.

Invisible

I feel invisible everytime we're together and she would rather text with him. It's stupid but it's the truth. I feel like there is a growing gap between us, and the further along we get in this mess the larger it gets. I wish there were easy answers and simple fixes but I just don't think there are.  I really wish I knew what I have done wrong to push her to this point. Was I not showing her enough attention? Have I been to distant? What is it that I've done that would make her think this was a good idea? On top of that what is it about him and not my other friends that drew her to him? Did I cause all of this to happen because I let them study runes together? I feel like ive fucked up my marriage and there is nothing to do except to see how this ride turns out. . .

Hollow all the time

Lately it feels like I'm hollow all of the time.  My heart hurts and my stomach is in knots almost constantly.  Unfortunately I have no one I can talk to about my situation who isn't a part of it.  No one else has any idea of what I'm going through and I'm pretty sure if they did they would advise me to move out.  I don't know why I keep finding myself in these shitty situations.  I guess its because I have terrible judgement and can't seem to make the right choices.

I'm so god damn tired of all of this stress and bullshit.  I'm tired of feeling stressed out from work.  I'm sick of feeling stressed out at home too.  I really need a vacation where I can disappear for a week without anyone around me.  But due to the nature of things that will never happen.  Every time I try to do something alone or away from home I get a guilt trip from my wife. Who funny enough wants to spend most of her free time with her new boyfriend.  Gotta love the double standards.  I even tried to broach the subject of me getting a girlfriend and she treated it like I was betraying her by bringing it up.  So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

This whole thing just reeks of selfishness and if I point that out then I'm the bad guy.  I get my past mistakes thrown into my face and essential told that I have no right to bitch.  Gods I just wish my wife thought I was enough and didn't need to fall in love with someone else.  I had always hoped after we had gotten over all our bullshit that we could settle in and just be a happy old married couple. I never thought that I would have to share her with someone else.  But I guess dreams are just a joke and reality is much colder.

Is anyone even listening

I love it how when this whole damn thing started that I was told that if I'm not comfortable with things to tell everyone and they would back off.  I was told that its a balanced plate and if one side isn't working then the whole thing can fall.  That if one person isn't comfortable or happy then the whole thing will fail.

So when I tell them that hey I'm not comfortable with this whole open relationship thing I get all sorts of blow back.  I try to express my feeling and how I'm perceiving things and it only makes the whole thing worse.  So what it tells me is since I was trying to be ok with everything before I just have to suck it up and deal with it because nothing is going to change now.  Instead of understanding of my feelings and opinions I get a "Just get over yourself and stop being so grumpy".  Like its my fault for having these feelings and thoughts.  It feels like no matter what I say or do they are going to do whatever the fuck they want and I just have to deal with it.  She keeps telling me that she isn't going anywhere but doesn't understand that it feels like I'm dying from all of this.

I really feel like this is the Kitty and Wolf gets what they want show and everyone else just has to deal with it.  I've dumped so much into these relationships it feels like its a god damn joke.  I was the only one to keep any type of cohesion between the two families and when things start to get back to a normal steady pace, BOOM.  Now they are being all junior high school love affair and I'm over here trying to deal with all of the emotional crap that them doing that brings.  It really feels like I'm being punished for trying to keep everyone friendly with each other.  Lately I've been questioning why I even did it in the first place.  Why didn't I just let those relationships fade away and we could have moved on to something different.  Instead I dealt the the bullshit and crap for all that time and what is my reward? My wife is all googly eyed for someone I had considered my best friend.

What if the only way out of this is to just leave?  What if the only way I can get out is divorce? What will happen to the kids?  What will I do with myself?

Whats the point anymore

Lately it has felt like my feelings are unimportant and that I should just get out of the way and let things be.  I feel like everything that I have gone through and everything I've worked so hard to do has been for nothing.  I'm trying to figure out my next path but all I feel is heart ache and pain.

I know that all of this is my fault.  I'm still being punished for what had happened six years ago, and anytime I try to express my feelings I see that getting thrown back at me.  I crawled through hell for what I did and changed myself to be what she wanted and now it all feels for naught.  I tried to be ok with her seeing other people and having out relationship being open.  I did it for her because of how much I love her and want her to be happy.  Ever since what happened I vowed to myself that I'll sacrifice whatever it takes to be happy.  Trying to put aside the feelings I have of hurt and anger I figured that if I just deal with it for awhile things will get better.  Honestly it hasn't, it keeps getting worse and worse, It feels like I'm falling apart.  I really want her to be happy and maybe that means I don't get to be in the picture.

It feels like I'm just complicating things and I know they think I'm being childish and petty.  I just don't know how I can express to her that she is all that I want and I want to be that for her.  But when I try expressing that to her I feel like she is brushing it off.  Whatever they have together I can see it growing stronger and stronger and I don't know where that is going to leave me.  I know that they ache for each other much like we used to for each other.  After reading those stupid messages I understand that last night it was me she wanted to sleep with and I was a stop gap for those feelings.  It hurt to realize that and to understand that things will probably never go back to the way that they were.  So it leaves me with few options to choose from.  Do I just accept everything and bury how I feel about it?  Do I leave and stay with my folks for awhile to try and get my head on straight? Do I stop sleeping in the same bed as her and stew on how I'm feeling? Do I move out and try to do this on my own?

Last night I wanted to yell and fight and punch holes in the walls.  I had to fight with myself to stay calm and to not start yelling.  I pushed down and tried to dispel my anger as best as I could.  I'm so tired of the emotions this is causing to run through my system and I feel hurt, stressed, and depressed all the time now.

Increasingly I've been thinking about just ending it and letting her have the life she wants without having to deal with all of my baggage and bullshit.  I've thought of several ways to handle it and a couple to make it look like an accident so they won't know what it really was.  But when I start going down that road I think of the her and the kids and how me being gone would effect them.  I'm worried that if I just dropped off that the scarring and hurt inflicted on the kids would be something they would have to live with for the rest of their lives.